(& YOU TAKE THINGS OUT, & IT'S EMPTY.)

I felt morose and burdened, today, without apparent cause. My latest cure for stress has been tea; I brewed a cup of Tangerine Orange Zinger and added artificial sweetener.

The kitchen of my parents' house is an open area adjacent to the dining room, home office, and living room. My parents were both in the vicinity, which I could not tolerate. I love my parents. I feel like every moment in their presence is a miniature Judgment Day, like I am being sized up for my brand of Eternity. Some days my indolence is worthy of Hell, but usually, I just feel like I am walking listlessly through living Purgatory.

It was raining outside, but it made the air all the more breathable. I settled on the front porch, watching raindrops splash into my tea, and musing that the red tea matched the reddish tint of the bacteria on the porch marched the dying leaves of something the previous homeowners had planted matched blood. It struck me as a sort of Rorschachian identification, so I turned my attention to a bird in the yard. I don't know it's type or species. I've never been a bird person. It was grey like the sky, if it helps.

The bird alighted upon the roof nearby myself, and I studied it like a biologist surveys the astronomer's equations and findings. Time passed, or perhaps, for the smallest of instances (or the largest, equally likely), it did not.

I don't know what came over me. I looked at that bird, and spoke, directly at him, or her, Tell me something. Anything. Give me a sign.

Without sparing a glance in my direction the bird promptly turned and hopped out of sight.

At first I despaired, for despite my atheism and scorn for spirituality in general, some part of me had truly expected something, some sort of omen to materialise.

And then, it occurred to me maybe a second later, maybe one had.

[Key] "Song" Album Artist *personal favourite/recommendation.
Solo Artists arranged by first name, because unfortunately that's how iTunes is programmed to list it.

I Currently Have:
H.I.M.
And Love Said No
*Dark Light
Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights
Greatest Lovesongs 666
Love Metal
Razorblade Romance
Ultra Rare Trax Vol. 1
Venus Love
"Dark Secret Love"
"Rebel Yell"

Halifax
"Hey Italy"

Harry Belafonte
*"Jump in the Line"

Hayley Westenra
*"Dark Waltz"

Hellogoodbye
*Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs!

Helmet
"Milktoast"

Hikaru Utada
*Deep River
*Exodus
First Love
*"Be My Last"
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day cover)"
*"Colours"
*"Sanctuary"
*"Simple and Clean -Planit B Remix-"
*"Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence - FYI"

Hitomi Shimamanti
"ANGELUS"

House of Fools
"Better Part of Me"

Houston Calls
"Bob & Bonnie"

The Hush Sound
*"Wine Red"

I Am Ghost
*Lover's Requiem

Imogen Heap
*i Megaphone
*Speak for Yourself

Interpol
*"No I in Threesome"

INXS
"Do Wat You Do"

Ishida Yoko
"Otome no Policy"

J. Geils Band
"Centerfold"

Jack's Mannequin
*Everything in Transit
*The Glass Passenger

Jack Off Jill
"Lovesong (The Cure cover)"

Jane Siberry
"It Can't Rain All the Time"

Jason Mraz
MR. A-Z
Waiting for My Rocket to Come
We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things

Jesse Johnson
"Get to Know Ya"

Jessica Simpson
"With You"

Jesus & Mary Chain
"Snakedriver"

Joe Hisaishi
"I'm Gonna Fly"
*"Nausicaa Requiem"
*"Opening - Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind"
"Spirited Away Opening"

John Lennon
"Imagine"

Johnathan Larson
*RENT Soundtrack

Joss Stone
Mind, Body & Soul

Joy Division
*The Best of Joy Division
*"Atrocity Exhibition"
*"Ceremony"
*"Decades"
*"A Means to an End"

Justin Timberlake
FutureSex/LoveSounds

Kanye West
*Graduation

Kelis
"Milkshake"

Kelly Clarkson
*Breakaway
*Thankful

Kerli
"Bulletproof"
"Creepshow"
"Hurt Me"
"Love is Dead"
"Walking on Air"

Kill Hannah
Until There's Nothing Left of Us
*Boys and Girls

The Killers
*Hot Fuss
*Sam's Town

Killwhitneydead
*Inhaling the Breath of a Bullet
*Never Good Enough for You
*So Pretty So Plastic

King Missile
"Detachable Penis"

Klaus Badelt
*Pirate's of the Carribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl OST

KMFDM
"Juke Joint Jezebel"
"Godlike - Doglike"

Korn
"Coming Undone"
"Did My Time"
"Freak on a Leash"
"Twisted Transistor"
"Word Up!"

Krystal Harris
Me & My Piano

L'Arc~en~Ciel
The Best of L'Arc~en~Ciel
Ectomorphed Works
Ark
*AWAKE
Clicked Singles Best 13
Dune
HEART
Hevenly
Ray
Real
*SMILE
Tierra
True
(I also have all the singles, but I don't feel like listing them.)

Lacuna Coil
Comalies
In a Reverie
Karmacode
Lacuna Coil [EP]
Unleashed Memories

Lady Sovereign
Public Warning

The Last Dance
"Whisper (L'Âme Immortelle Remix)"

The Laziest Men on Mars
*"All Your Base"

Leahy
*Leahy

Letters to Cleo
"Awake"
"Because of You"
"Big Star"
"Come On"
"Co-Pilot"
*"Cruel to be Kind"
"Dangerous Type"
"Dreams"
"Find You Dead"
"Go!"
"Here and Now"
"I See"
"I Want You to Want Me"
"Let's Get High"
"Letters"
"Sparkle Girl"

Level 42
"Something About You"

Lil' Wayne
"Lollipop (Remix) f. Kanye West"

LIMAHL
"Neverending Story"

Linkin Park
Hybrid Theory
*Meteora
Minutes to Midnight

Lola Ray
*"Automatic Girl

Lords of Acid
"I Sit on Acid"
"Pussy"
"Rough Sex"

Los Campesinos!
*"We Throw Parties, You Throw Knives"

Lostprophets
"Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)"
"Boys Don't Cry (The Cure cover)"

Love Spit Love
*"How Soon is Now (The Smiths cover)"

Ludacris
"Act a Fool"
"Stand Up"

Machines of Loving Grace
"Golgotha Tenement Blues"

Madness
"Our House"

The Mahones
"Paint the Town Red"

Mairee Sioux
*"Lovesong (The Cure cover)"

Marilyn Manson
Antichrist Superstar
Eat Me, Drink Me
"The Beautiful People"
*"Disposable Teens"
"The Dope Show"
"Great Big White World"
"The Hands of Small Children"
"I Don't Like the Drugs"
"I Put a Spell on You (Screamin' Jay Hawkins cover)"
"Long Hard Road out of Hell"
"Personal Jesus (Depeche mode cover)"
"Rock 'n' Roll Nigger"
"Sweet Dreams (Eurythmics cover)"

Mark Snow
"X-Files Theme"

Medicine
"Time Baby III"

Melanie Safka
"Brand New Key"

Men Withou Hats
*"Safety Dance"

Michael Jackson
"Smooth Criminal"
"Thriller"

Michelle Branch
Hotel Paper
The Spirit Room

Milemaker
"Food Chain"
"Pornographic Architecture"

Mindless Self Indulgence
*You'll Rebel to Anything
*"Bitches"
"Bring the Pain"

Ministry
*"Effigy (I'm Not An)"
*"Everyday is Halloween"
*"Jesus Built My Hotrod"
"Just One Fix"
"N.W.O."
*"Stigmata"
"Supernaut"
"Waiting"
"You Know What You Are"

Misfits
*"Halloween"
"I Turned into a Martian"

Morrissey
*Viva Hate
*"Irish Blood, English Heart"

Motion City Soundtrack
Commit This to Memory

Mr. C
"Cha Cha Slide"
"Cha Cha Slide (Clubstar Mix)"

Muppets
*"Moving Right Along"
*"Rainbow Connection"

Muse
*Black Holes & Revelations

My Chemical Romance
*The Black Parade
*I Brought Yoy My Bullets You Brought Me Your Love
*Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

My Epiphany
"Body Talk"
"Final Battle"

My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult
"After the Flesh"

---

Part two of four.

Part One: A-G.
Part Two: H-M.
Part Three: N-T. [Not available yet!]
Part Four: U-#. [Not available yet!]

Thank you for the comments and suggestions! I may make a follow-up of my music wishlist, and I'll keep your contributions in mind. :]

[Key] "Song" Album Artist *personal favourite/recommendation.
Solo Artists arranged by first name, because unfortunately that's how iTunes is programmed to list it.

I Currently Have:
Abney Park
"Airship Pirate"
"Breathe"
"The Only One"
"The Root of All Evil"
"The Secret Life of Doctor Calgori"
"Sleep Isabella"
"Stigmata Martyr"
"The Wake"
"The Wrong Side"

The Academy Is...
The Academy EP
*Almost Here
Fast Times at Barrington High
From the Carper EP
Santi
"Superman"

Adam and Andrew
"Emo Kid"

Aeon
"Eternal Hate"
"Forever Nailed"
"Living Sin"

AFI
All Hallow's EP
Answer That & Stay Fashionable
The Art of Drowning
Black Sails in the Sunset
*Decemberunderground
A Fire Inside
Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes
*Sing the Sorrow
Very Proud of Ya
The Weight of Words
"...But Home Is Nowhere (Demo)"
"Days of the Phoenix (BBC Maida Vale Studios)"
"Dream Of Waking"
*"Girl's Not Grey (Acoustic, live)"
"The Great Disappointment (Demo)"
"The Hanging Garden (BBC Maida Vale Studios)"
"Just Like Heaven (The Cure cover, live)"
"The Leaving Song (Demo)"
"The Lost Souls (BBC Maida Vale Studios)"
"Last Caress"
"Love Is A Many Splendored Thing (ft. Tim Armstrong, live)"
"Lower It"
"Mini Trucks Suck"
"Miss Murder Broken Remix"
"No Reason (Minor Threat cover, live)"
"Now The World"
"Now the World (STS UK Version)"
"Paper Airplanes (Makeshift Wings) (Demo)"
"Reivers Music"
"Rio (Duran Duran cover, live)"
"Synesthesia"
"Synesthesia (Demo)"
"This Celluloid Dream (Demo)"
"We Bite (The Misfits cover, live)"
"A Winter's Tale"

After Forever
*After Forever

After the Fire
"Der Kommissar"

Aiden
Nightmare Anatomy
Our Gang's Dark Oath
Rain in Hell

Alesana
*On Frail Wings of Vanity and Wax

Alicia Keys
"No One"

Alien Sex Fiend
"Drive My Rocket Up Uranus"
"Get Into It"
"I Walk the Line"
"Sample My Sausage"
"She's a Killer"

Alkaline Trio
*Goddamnit Redux
Crimson
"Cut Here (The Cure cover)"
"Wake Up Exhausted (Tegan & Sara cover)"

All Time Low
"Umbrella (Rihanna cover)"

All Too Much
"Sorry (Don't Ask Me)"

Allister
"A Lotta Nerve"

Anberlin
"Lovesong (The Cure Cover)"

Andrew Lloyd Webber
"The Phantom of the Opera"

Andrew Sixty
"Tarzan Boy"

Animotion
"Obsession"

Anjali
"Misty Canyon"

Antsy Pants
"Vampire"

Apoptygma Berzerk
The Apopcalyptic Manifesto

As I Lay Dying
Beneath the Encasing of Ashes
Frail Words Collapse
Shadows are Security

Ashlee Simpson
Autobiography

Avenged Sevenfold
City of Evil
"Critical Acclaim"
"Walk (Pantera Cover)"

Avril Lavigne
Let Go
Under My Skin

Ayumi Hamasaki
I Am...

B-52's
"Rock Lobster"

B*Witched
"Blame it on the Weatherman"

Baby Bash
"Shorty Doowop"

The Bangles
*The Essential Bangles

Barenaked Ladies
Everything to Everyone

Bauhaus
*Bauhaus Singles: 1979-1983, Volume One
*Singles: 1979-1983, Volume Two

Beastie Boys
"Fight for Your Right"

The Beatles
*The Beatles 1

Belle & Sebatian
If You're Feeling Sinister
The Life Pursuit

Belouise Some
"Round, Round"

Beneath the Sky
The Day the Music Dies
*What Demons Do to Saints
"Fight for Your Right (Beastie Boys cover)"

Beyoncé
"Me, Myself & I"

Bif Naked
"I Died"
"I'm Afraid of Britney Spears"
"Lucky"
"Moment of Weakness"
"My Whole Life"
"Spaceman (Dance Mix)"
"Twitch"
"We're Not Gonna Take It"

The Big Pink
"Lovesong (The Cure cover)"

Billy Idol
*"Dancing With Myself
"Rebel Yell"

The Birthday Massacre
"The Dream"
*"Happy Birthday"
*"Horror Show"
*"The NeverEnding Story (LIMAHL cover)"
"The Night Loop"
"Nighttime"
"Over"
"Play Dead"
*"Queen of Hearts"
"Remember Me"
"To Die For"
"Under the Stairs"
*"Video Kid"
"Violet"

Black Eyed Peas
"Bebot"
*"Let's Get it Started"
*"Shut Up"

The Bled
Found in the Flood

Blink-182
"All the Small Things"
"Dancing With Myself (Billy Idol cover)"
"I'm Feeling It"
"What's My Age Again?"

Bloc Party
Silent Alarm

Blonde Redhead
*"23"

Blondie
*"Call Me"
"One Way or Another"

Blood or Whiskey
"They Say No!"

The Bloody Irish Boys
"Drunk Tonight"

Blue Oyster Cult
*"Don't Fear the Reaper"
"Tattoo Vampire"

BoA
"Every Heart"

Boomkat
"Rip Her to Shreds"

Boston
"More Than a Feeling"

Boys Like Girls
*"Let Go (Frou Frou cover)"

Brand New
Deja Entendu
"Jude Law and a Semester Abroad"

Bright Eyes
Digital Ash in a Digital Urn
Fevers & Mirrors
I'm Wide Awake It's Morning
*Lifted or The Story is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground"
"A Scale, A Mirror,and Those Indifferent Clocks"
"Something Vague"
"A Spindle, a Darkness, a Fever, and a Necklace"
"When The Curious Girl Realizes She Is Under Glass"

Bring Me the Horizon
*Count Your Blessings

Britney Spears
*...Baby One More Time
Oops! I Did It Again
"Gimme More"
"Overprotected"
"Toxic"
"Womanizer"

The Brunettes
"Lovesong (The Cure Cover)"

The Buggles
"Video Killed the Radio Star"

Bullet For My Vallentine
The Poison

C.S.S.
"Music is My Hot, Hot Sex"

Carfax Abbey
"Cry Little Sister (Gerard McMann cover)"

Céline Dion
A New Day Has Come

Chingy
Halidae Inn

Chris Isaak
"Wicked Game"

Chumbawumba
"Tubthumping"

The Church
"Under the Milky Way"

CKY
An Answer Can Be Found
Camp Kill Yourself, Vol. 1
*Infiltrate - Destroy - Rebuild

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
*Some Loud Thunder

The Clash
*"London Calling"
*"Rock the Casbah"

Coldplay
Clocks

Collide
"Euphoria (Further Mix)"

Concrete Blonde
"Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)"
"Joey"
*"Tomorrow, Wendy"

Corinne Bailey Rae
*"Steady As She Goes (The Raconteurs cover)"

Corvus Corax
"Avanti"

Cradle of Filth
"The Byronic Man"

The Crüxshadows
*"Citadel (Absurd Minds Remix)"
"Here Comes the Rain Again (Eurythmics cover)"
"Kisses 3"
"A Stranger Moment"
*"Winterborn (This Sacrifice"

Culture Club
"Karma Chameleon"

The Cure
*The Cure: Greatest Hits
*Staring at Sea: The Singles 1979-1985
Wild Mood Swings
"Burn"
*"Lovesong (Extended Version)"
"World in My Eyes (Depeche Mode Cover)"

D12
"My Band"

Daft Punk
*Discovery

The Damned
"Help! (The Beatles cover)
*"Love Song"

Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip
"Thou Shalt Always Kill"

Dance Club Massacre
*"The Duchess and the Cougar"
*"Murders Come With Smiles"
*"Wet Between the Thighs"

Danny Elfman
The Nightmare Before Christmas Soundtrack
"Corpse Bride: The Piano Duet"

Danny Hutton Hitters
"wouldn't it Be Good"

The Darkness
"I Believe in a Thing Called Love"


Dave Melillo
Knights of the Island Counter"

David Bowie
*Alladin Sane: 30th Anniversary Edition
*Black Tie White Noise
*The Buddha of Suburbia
*David Bowie
*Diamond DOgs 30th Anniversary Edition
*Earthling
*Heathen
*Hours...
*Hunky Dory
*Labyrinth OST
*Let's Dance
*Lodger
*Low
*The Man Who Sold the World
*Never Let Me Down
*Outside
*Pin Ups
*Platinum Collection
*Reality
*Resurrection on 84th Street
*The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars
*Scary Monsters
*SOmebody Up There Likes Me
*Space Oddity
*Station to Station
*Tonight
*Vampires of Human Flesh
*Young Americans

David R. Holsinger
"Deerpath Dances"

David Sylvian
"The Boy with the Gun"
"Laughter and Forgetting"
"September"
"Orpheus"
"When poets Dreamed of Angels"

A Day to Remember
For Those Who Have Heart

Death Cab for Cutie
Plans

Deluxetone Rockets
"Lovesong (The Cure cover)"

Denis Leary
"I'm an Asshole"

Depeche Mode
*The Best of - Vol. 1
*Black Celebration
*A Broken Frame (Collector's Edition)
*Catching Up with Depeche Mode
*Exciter
*Music for the Masses
*People Are People
*Playing the Angel
*Remixes 81-04
*Singles 81-95
*Singles 86-98
*Some Great Reward
*Sounds of the univers
*Songs of Faith and Devotion
*Speak & Spell
*Ultra
*Violator
"Tainted Love (Soft Cell cover)"

Desaparecidos
"The Happiest Place on Earth"
"Man and Wife, The Former"

Despised Icon
*The Ills of Modern Man

The Devil Wears Prada
Dear Love: A Beautiful Discord

Devo
"Whip It"

Dexy's Midnight Runners
"come On Eileen"

Dido
"White Flag"

Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
"I've Had the Time of My Life"

Disturbed
The Sickness

Dixie Chicks
"Landslide"

Do As Infinity
Break of Dawn
*Deep Forest
Do the B-Side
New World
True Song

The Donnas
"Dancing With Myself (Billy Idol cover)"

The Doors
*"People are Strange"

Dream
"My Will"

The Dreamisde
"Spin Moon Magic"

The Dresden Dolls
*Yes, Virginia...
No, Virginia...
"Bad Habit"
*"Coin-Operated Boy"
"The Ghost in You (Psychedelic Furs cover)"
*"Girl Anachronism"
*"Good Day"
*"Half Jack"
*"Life on Mars (David Bowie cover, live)"
"Slide"
"Truce"

Dropkick Murphys
The Meanest of Times

Duke Ellington
*"It Don't Mean a Thing (If it Ain't Got that Swing)"

Duran Duran
Rio
"Is There Something I Should Know?"

Eamon
"I Don't Want You Back"

The Early November
*"Hair"

Echo & The Bunnymen
"Bring on the Dancing Horces
"People are Strange (The Doors cover)"

Editors
*An End Has a Start
"Lullaby (The Cure cover)"

Ego Likeness
*"Water to the Dead"

Eisbrecher
"Wilkommen Im Nights"

Eluveitie
"Uis Elveti"

Erausre
*"Always"

Estelle
*"American Boy"

Eurythmics
*"Here Comes the Rain Again"
"I Need a Man"
"Sisters Are Doing it for Thems"
*"Sweet Dreams"
"Who's That Girl"

Evanescence
*Fallen
The Open Door

Every Little Thing
"Ai no Uta"
"Grip"

The Faint
*Danse Macabre

Falco
*"Amadeus"

Fall Out Boy
An Evening Out With Your Girlfirend
Folie A Deux
*From Under the Cork Tree
Infinity on High
My Heart Will Always Be the B-
Split EP
*Take This to Your Grave

Fefe Dobson
"Everything"

Fergie
The Duches

Five for Fighting
100 Years

The Fixx
"One Thing leads to Another"
"Saved By Zero"

Flatfoot 56
"Loaded Gun"

Fleetwood Mac
"Landslide"

Flo Rida
*"Low"

A Flock of Seagulls
"I Ran (So Far Away)"

Flogging Molly
"Devil's Dance Floor"

Flyleaf
Flyleaf

For Love Not Lisa
"Slip Slide Melting"

Frankie Goes to Hollywood
"Relax"

Franz Ferdinand
*"Take Me Out"
"What You Waiting For? (Gwen Stefanie cover)

From First to Last
Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Bodycount

Front 242
"Headhunter V3.0"

Frou Frou
*Details

Fuel
"Falls On Me"

FullMetal Alchemist
FullMetal Alchemist Original Soundtrack

Funeral for a Friend
Hours

Gackt
Mars

Garbage
"No.1 Crush"
"Only Happy When it Rains"
"Stupid Girl"
"Temptation Waits"

Genesis
*"Land of Confusion"

Gerard McMann
*"Cry, Little Sister"

Gina & Gabriel Rene
"Mean Gurl"

Gnarls Barkley
*"Crazy"

Godhead
*"Eleanor Rigby (The Beatles cover)"
"The Reckoning"

Good Charlotte
The Young and the Hopeless

Goodnight Nurse
"Milkshake"

Green Day
American Idiot
International Superhits!

Gwen Stefanie
Love. Angel. Music. Baby.

Gym Class Heroes
"Cupid's Chokehold"

---

Part one of four. Mostly for archiving purposes (I'm always worried I'll lose my music collection somehow and then forget what all I need to replace), somewhat for bragging. I like music. A lot.

Part One: A-G.
Part Two: H-M.
Part Three: N-T. [Not available yet!]
Part Four: U-#. [Not available yet!]

(SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE LOVED.)

Today, I had another anxiety attack. Not a mild one. Hyperventilation. The whole shebang.

And then I made myself calm. No medication, no mediation, just rationale.

It's times like these that I know I can make it. I'll grow up and be self-sufficient. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not by my eighteenth birthday. But I have it in me. I'm not as hapless as I am used to thinking.

Daydreamishly yours.

P.S. Yes, fine, I'm reading a YA fantasy novel. It's a guiltily self-indulgent light reading after all the Victorian lit I've been tearing through. Get off my back.

EDIT:
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I just finished my Internal Assessment for 20th Century Topics, and as I was saving it, what do you think? OpenOffice crashed. Document was not recovered. 1,726 words. Gone. This is a cliché that I never thought would actually happen to me.

I fucking hate my goddamn life.

(OH, BUT I'M SO VERY SICKENED NOW.)

My main philosophy has always been to live life to it's fullest, and never with the priority of the avoidance of pain.

But if I could take her pain, I would.

What good am I as a friend if I cannot even give her hope?

How can I tell her that she should give him up and move on, when I have not? I am not going to resort to hypocrisy. All I can offer is a hug, and a sound, "Don't tell him you cut yourself. It's tempting to make him know how vulnerable he's left you, but trust me, you'll feel stupid later."

Some advice.

Some friend.